Not My Will

 By Carrie Moyer

Nine months ago I sighed realizing that my third trimester would span the hottest months of summer. But I was grateful and excited for the new life given to our family. My appreciation for good air conditioning would increase.


Yet the past three months have borne with them a heavy sorrow, more oppressive than summer heat. I would have been pulling out baby clothes, washing them, packing my hospital bag, buying newborn diapers, counting down the days to July 11, but the Lord had other plans.


After carrying our precious baby for fourteen weeks, I had to rest in the sovereignty of my Lord. I had to trust anew that His love alone will delight and sustain me. I had to know that His plan is perfect and His purposes good and His judgments right. His Spirit had to nurture in me the resolve to declare,


"Though my desires be not fulfilled,
Though my dreams be not completed,
Though nothing I hoped for
came to be,
'yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy
in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength.'"
(Habakkuk 3:18‭-‬19a)


The child I joyfully cherished and anticipated was gone.


During the months that would have been the final trimester culminating in first meetings, the burden of grief grew heavy. Emotions that had torn me following the miscarriage revisited, and I cried to the Lord for comfort and help.


"Not my will, but yours be done! Help me to be content in your plan! Help me to be patient and wait upon you for my heart's desires!"


The Lord is gracious and merciful. He heard my cries and answered. He was to me the joy and delight of my heart as I surrendered my own desires to walk with Him, wait on Him, and hope in Him! He is, to me, ENOUGH.


No desire of my heart, however completely fulfilled, will ever overflow my soul as do the delights of fellowshipping with Him!
No dream of mine, however fully completed, will ever satisfy my heart as do the sureties of His kind and faithful promises!
No hope of my own endeavors, however sweet and lovely, will ever remain as secure and unchanging as the purity of His steadfast love and faithfulness!


Having grown through grief these summer months to know and love Him better, how much sweeter is my joy in discovering that He has again given me a precious life to carry and nurture and love: evidence of His compassion, a token of His kindness, a promise of His intimate knowledge and wisdom and love.


Every moment I cherish this child, I cherish my Father even more. His plan may again differ from what I would choose. I entrust myself to His goodness. Already I yield as the Spirit of Christ in me pleads as He did long ago in the garden, "Not my will, but Yours be done!"

 

Carrie Moyer is a housewife and homeschooling mother who praises her Father for the large quiver of children He has blessed her with. She lives in the upstate of South Carolina with her husband, four girls and two boys.